When my children become teenagers, my sister Bonnie told me to make sure that I gave them things that they really wanted. She really wasn't trying to teach me how to spoil my children, quite the contrary. As she explained, you give your teenagers something that they really want, something that they do not think they can live without and then when they blow it, you take it away. I used this method to some degree with Kathleen and Rachael when they were teenagers, and now I am using it more successfully with Sarah and Joe.
The good thing about all of this "giving and taking away," is that you don't have to do this in anger. It is usually the teenager who is angry and throwing a fit when they have something taken away, not the Mom. The Mom just simply takes the teenager's most valuable possession and walks away. Too many times moms have been accused of always being the angry one or worse--being "bi-polar." This great method usually shows who is having the problem and when then teenager throws a tantrum it only delays when they can get the item back. After a few times, they really understand that slamming doors and yelling will only make matters worse.
My children have really responded well to this. I am not saying that they like it, but I will say that it works a whole lot better for them than being grounded. I think the reason that it works so well is that as soon as the behavior has improved, or the grade has improved, or their room has finally been cleaned, they get their most valued possession back.
It is amazing how hard a teenager will work to get back a cell phone or an electric guitar. They actually try to be nice to their mother instead of continuing the bad behavior. What a nice difference! A teenager will spend an afternoon catching up on homework. They may even stay after school to talk to a teacher about the things they need to do to raise a grade. The results happen quickly, and for the mom rather painlessly. It really puts the responsibility on the teenager.
There is a price to this parenting method, such as the cost of a cell phone, a guitar, or providing a car for the kids to drive. The cost has been well worth the money. It is also important to know what your teenager values the most. At the end of eighth grade Joe would do anything to not miss out on football, now he would love to tell his coach that his mother made him miss a practice. Good thing he loves his guitar. He doesn't think this is fair, but who said that there is anything fair in life. Last year Sarah's car meant everything to her, this year she can't live without her cell phone.
Just today Joe's geometry grade went from a D+ to something better (the teacher hasn't recorded the grades yet) and Sarah's mood has improved in the last few hours. The good news is that they are both still working hard on regaining possession of their beloved items.
Homemade Chocolate Custard Ice Cream
2 months ago
2 comments:
You go girl! The cost of the cell phone, the electric guitar and the car is worth all of the control you have. Some people pay councelors hundreds of dollars per hour and never get the results you are getting. So just think of all of the money you are saving with this do-it-yourself method.
haha whatever, i remember being grounded... but then again, i didn't really have a cell phone, or a car (because i broke it) it makes sense that you grounded me though because my most valuable possessions were my friends. so yeah if you click on the link it will take you to my page. i haven't updated in over a month... i need to get on that.
Post a Comment